I May Hate Myself In The Morning
by purplepagoda
Summary: Olivia, and Elliot fall into each other's arms. Their lapse in judgment results in some serious complications. When Olivia reveals the truth, to Elliot, he shows his true colors. P.S. the first 6 chapters were written some time ago, around season eleven, I think. I thought it was time for an update. A little late, but, better late than never. I hope you enjoy.
1. The Fool

"Come on, let me take you home," he offers.

"El, I'm fine," she argues.

"You just had a child physically removed from your custody. You're not fine, let me take you home. You shouldn't be alone right now."

"El..."

"Come on, get your coat," he insists.

"You got her?" Fin questions.

"Yeah," he nods.

She opens the door to the apartment, and he follows her in.

"I'm really fine."

"Stop saying that," he insists.

"Drink?" she questions.

"Sure," he nods.

She takes out two glasses, and the liquor from the top cabinet. She pours them each a drink.

"You that I'm probably going to stay, right?"

"I didn't figure that I could get rid of you," she admits.

"Anything you'd like to do to pass the time?"

"You know what we haven't done in a while?"

"What's that Liv?"

"We haven't played poker in...a year? Has it been that long?"

"I hate playing with you."

"Cause I kick your ass?"

"Cause you cheat."

"I don't even know how to cheat," she argues.

"We'll see," he rolls his eyes as he opens a drawer revealing a deck of cards. He takes a seat at the table. She grabs the bottle, and joins him. With each hand, they pour another around, until the bottle is nearly empty.

"Liv..."

"What do you have?" she questions.

"You go first."

"That's how it works," she argues.

"I've got a pair of twos," he shows his cards.

"Ha! Royal flush," she smiles.

"I can't play with you anymore."

"Sissy," she jests.

He gets up. She stands up too. She collects his glass, and the bottle. She puts the glasses in the sink, and the bottle on the counter. She turns around and finds him behind her.

"Do you need something?" she questions.

She leans against the counter. He puts his palms on the counter, on either side of her. She looks up at him. He doesn't say anything, as he tucks her bangs behind her ear.

"I..." she begins to argue.

"I need you," he admits.

"I need you too," she reveals as he closes the gap between them. She wraps her arms around him, wanting the moment to last forever, thinking that it's the closest they'd ever come. He lets go. She finds him lost in her eyes. He stares at her lips. She watches him, thinking that he'll never go through with it. But then his lips land on hers. And all bets are off. She kisses him back, and neither of them back down. She knows that it's really going to happen, when un-straps her holster, and places the gun, and holster on the counter. He quickly adds his to the pile.

When she wakes up she has a splitting headache. She closes her eyes, trying to avoid the day. She rolls over, and finds that her bed isn't empty. Her eyes pop open, and she stares at the face of her partner. He sleeps in her bed. She slips out of bed, and gathers their belongings. She throws her clothes in the hamper, and puts his by the bed. She slips into the shower, and attempts to wash away the sins from the night before.

He slips out while she's in the shower, praying that she didn't remember. Praying that it was a dream. On his way to the car he catches a glimpse of his wedding band. He stops dead in his tracks. Go home to her, or be honest? Be with the one he loved, or the one he was married to? He climbs into the car, and heads home.

Days pass, turning into weeks, and they never discuss it. Weeks turn into months, and he thinks that they've put it all behind them. She comes into the precinct with a red face. She stops at her desk, and grabs a tissue, to blow her nose. He watches as she takes a seat.

"Something bothering you?" he questions.

"No," she lies.

"Benson, Stabler, you've got a case," Cragen announces.

Hours later they're in the car, on their way back to the precinct.

"Liv you want to stop and get something for lunch?"

"I'm not hungry," she admits.

"I think I'm going to stop for coffee. You want something?"

"No," she answers coldly as he pulls up to the curb.

"What is your deal? Why are you so cranky today?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"I'm your partner, you tell me everything."

"Not everything," she says under her breath.

"Liv, talk to me," he begs.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because you don't want to hear what's on my mind."

"Why? Did I do something wrong, again? Just tell me."

"We made a mistake," she answers.

"Oh..."

"You were hoping that I didn't remember?"

"I was hoping that it was a dream," he admits.

"Because you don't want to be with me?"

"I'm married," he answers.

"You're a lot of things, but that doesn't answer the damn question."

"It's complicated. I don't think we should talk about it."

"Why not?"

"Because I want to be your partner. I don't want to ruin that. There is no one that I trust more than you."

"That's nice to know."

"What's with the attitude?" He raises his voice.

"You trust me with your life, with your secrets. You'll screw me, but... you don't want to leave your wife who makes you miserable."

"That's not fair."

"Life's not fair."

"Liv, what happened, whatever we wanted. Whatever we'd like to have, it doesn't matter because I'm married."

"It's nice to know where you stand."

"Why do you say that?"

"I'm pregnant," she answers.


	2. The Wrong Girl

"Come again?"

"I'm pregnant," she answers.

"That's great."

"You really think so?"

"Why wouldn't I? You deserve this. You've wanted it for so long. No one deserves to be a mother as much as you do."

"A single mother. I'm thrilled," she replies satirically.

"Why aren't you happy?"

"Because of you and your damn super sperm."

"Huh?"

"It's yours, you idiot."

"No..."

"Yeah. Don't worry I won't tell your precious Kathy," she answers.

"You're serious?"

"It's not something that I would joke about."

"You're sure?"

"Elliot I'm almost eleven weeks along," she points out.

"Right..."

"Happy Valentine's day."

"Wow."

"Can you take me back to the precinct please? I have work to do."

"I want to talk about this."

"What is there to talk about?"

"We're having a baby."

"We may have made a baby, but I am the one having it. I am the one who is going to raise it. You're not going to do anything."

"It's my baby."

"No. No one will ever know that it's yours."

"What are you saying?"

"As far as everyone else is concerned the baby's father is a sperm donor."

"Liv you can't do that."

"I'm not going to be a mistress. I'm not going to be the reason that your marriage falls apart. I'm not going to be your dirty little secret. I won't do it."

"Ok."

"Ok what? What the hell are you going to do Stabler? It's not like you're going to leave Kathy."

"Why not?"

"We can never be together. You don't want it. I don't want to be..."

"Liv."

"Elliot there is no discussion here. I'm having this baby, and you're not going to have anything to do with it. You're not going to see it."

"Why are you acting like this?"

"Are you kidding me? You slipped out of my apartment, because you were afraid that..."

"I wasn't afraid."

"So why did you leave?"

"Because I'm an idiot."

"I'm aware."

"How did this happen?"

"How did we have sex?"

"No, I know how that happened."

"Oh, you mean, how did I get pregnant?"

"Yeah," he nods.

"How does it usually happen?" She questions.

"I..."

"I don't want anything from you, except for you to just stay out of this."

"You're not even going to let me see my own kid?"

"No," she shakes her head.

"Liv, you're being unreasonable."

"Me? You cheated on your wife, whom you have five children with. That is unreasonable."

"Olivia, stop!"

"Stop what? Tell me how this is going to work any other way? It's not like you're going to tell Kathy, she's got your damn balls in a vice. You won't leave her. You can't do anything to help me."

"Liv..."

"Stop. Elliot I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to pretend like I'm ok with this, because I'm not. I'm not ok with the fact that I've waited for you to realize what an idiot you are. Now I've finally realized how naive I was to think that this could ever work. We could never be together. I may love you, but you love your wife. I'm sick of pretending that's not true. I think that you should start looking for a new partner."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because..."

"Can we go back to the precinct, please?"

"Fine," he agrees.

They don't say a word to one another when they go to see Melinda. Elliot leaves, and Olivia takes a moment to collect her thoughts.

"Are you two ok?" Melinda questions.

"No," Olivia admits.

"What's going on? It seems pretty tense between you guys."

"Yeah," she nods.

"Is there a reason?"

"It's probably just me," she admits.

"Why do you accept all the blame?"

"I think the hormones are putting me over the edge."

"Hormones?"

She nods.

"For what?"

"Um... I shouldn't have said anything."

"Why not?"

"I just shouldn't have."

"Olivia what are you saying?"

"I'm pregnant," she admits.

"That's great news."

"I don't want anyone to know yet."

"How far along are you?"

"About eleven weeks."

"Congrats."

"Thanks," she feigns a smile.


	3. Something Worth Leaving Behind

Her whole life she had waited, wanted for this. All she had ever wanted was a family of her own. This wasn't how she had pictured it, though. In her dreams there was a husband and a wife, a father, a mother, and a child. Her dreams were nothing like reality.

There was a husband, and a wife, and the other woman. She was the other woman, coming between a husband and a wife. She was going to be a mother to a child fathered by another woman's husband. A woman with a husband, and children, with him.

She never pictured it this way. Her alone, with a child. She wanted more for her child than she had. She wanted a different life, but things were turning out... the opposite of what she had planned.

He sits in his den, sipping scotch. He stares off into space as she enters the room. She squats, next to his chair. She looks at him, but he doesn't look back. He hadn't really looked at her in years. His heart wasn't in it anymore, it hadn't been for a long time.

"What's wrong?" she questions.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You never do," she huffs.

"You don't want to know," he answers.

"Just tell me."

"No," he shakes his head, refusing to shatter her world.

"Please."

He looks at her. Her eyes beg him for the truth, "I can't do this anymore. I don't want to spend the rest of my life pretending to be happy, because I'm not."

"I know," she admits.

"This isn't fair to anyone. To me, to you, to her."

"Her?" she whispers.

"I don't love you anymore, and I'm not willing to lose her."

"How long?" she questions.

"How long have you been having an affair with your partner?"

"It's not ongoing. It happened once, three months ago."

"Three months ago?"

"You sound surprised."

"I've been waiting for this day to come for eleven years. I've been waiting for you to wake up one day, and realize what I've known all along, you love her. She's the one that your heart aches for. She's the one that you can't live without. She's the one who knows your darkest secrets. She's the one."

"Why aren't you angry?"

"I knew that it was coming."

"There's more," he admits.

"She's pregnant?" she questions on bated breath.

"How did you know?"

"Would you be telling me this if she wasn't? Would she have given you a wake up call if she wasn't?"

"I don't know," he shrugs.

"You shouldn't be here with me. You didn't need to do this for me, for the kids."

"What are you saying?"

"You need to go get her, before you use her. She's slipping through your fingers, isn't she?"

"I'm sorry. I never thought this would happen."

"I'm not angry."

"Are you going to keep the kids from me?"

"No."

"Why aren't you angry?"

"You had the balls to tell me the truth, most people ever do."

"How would you know?"

"I've been cheating on you for five years," she answers.

"What?"

"I don't even know if Eli is even yours."

"I..." his face turns red, and he feels his blood pressure rise.

"You should leave," she suggests.

He nods, and heads for the door.

She hears footsteps coming toward the doorway of her bedroom. She rolls over, and trains her gun on the doorway. The footsteps stop, but she can see nothing in the doorway.

"Please put the gun away," he asks softly.

"What the hell are you doing here?" she questions as she places the gun back in the drawer of her nightstand, and flips on the lamp.

"I can go if you want."

"How did you get in?"

"I'm your partner, I have a key," he reminds her.

"It's for emergencies. Is this an emergency?"

"I needed to talk to you."

"Couldn't it wait until morning?"

"No," he shakes his head.

"No matter how hard I try, I never stop thinking about you. Your face is the one I see I close my eyes. You are the first person I think about when I wake up. You're the one person in my life, who if I lost, I wouldn't be able to survive. I couldn't live without you. No matter how wrong it is, I love you. I always have. I haven't always known it, but I've always loved you. I wish that things were different, that I wasn't married, but I am."

"You're here to tell me you're sorry that you have to be a deadbeat? I can survive on my own. I can live without you, but..."

"No, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm trying to say is that I love you, and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Every morning for the rest of my life, I want to wake up next to you."

"But you can't. You're married."

"It doesn't matter, you're the one."

"Does your wife know that?"

"Yes. Apparently I'm not the only one with secrets either."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not the only infidel in my marriage."

"I see."

"Eli might not be mine."

"I can't say that I'm surprised."

"Please, just once... let your walls down. I know that you don't need anyone, but just once I want you to need me."

"Are you really leaving her?"

"Yes."

"Ok," she agrees.

He moves toward the bed. Before he can reach her, and pull her into his arms, she jumps off the bed, and pushes past him. He spends the rest of the night holding her hair as she vomits.

"Is it always this bad?" he questions between rounds.

"Yeah, it usually starts around three, and ends around noon."

"Have you had a sonogram yet?"

"No, why?"

"So it could be more than one baby?"

"Why would you even say that?"

"Never mind."


	4. I'll Think Of A Reason Later

The shrilling phone brings her out of a deep sleep. She rolls over, and pulls the phone to her ear.

"Benson," she answers sheepishly.

"We've got a case," her partner announces.

"Um-kay," she replies.

"I'll text you the address," he adds.

"Bye," she hangs up the phone.

She sits up in bed, and looks around the room. It was empty, except for her. She pulls her hair into a pony tail as she rushes to the bathroom. The powerful wave a nausea, and epic bought of vomiting that follows reminds her that it wasn't all a dream. After half an hour she is able to make it out of the apartment. The elevator ride is sullen.

When she arrives on the scene her partner is waiting impatiently for her.

"What took you so long?" he questions, standing over the body.

"It takes longer to get motivated these days," she answers.

"Right," he nods in understanding.

An hour later she sits in the front seat of the police cruiser, adjusting the heat, as he drives.

"You're being awfully quiet, are you still angry at me?"

"Were you at my apartment last night?" she questions.

"No, why would I be?"

"I don't know. It must have just been a dream."

"A dream?"

"It's not important," she lies.

"So are you going to talk to me about the situation, or not?"

"I don't really want to talk about it."

"Why was I in your dream last night?"

"I don't know? Do I look like a psychologist? Or even Dr. Phil?"

"Sorry. You don't have to be so grouchy."

"I feel like crap, I'm sorry if I'm not pleasant to be around."

"So are you going to tell me about your dream?"

"Um.. in the dream you asked if I was having twins."

"Are you?" he questions as his blood pressure rises.

"I don't think so."

"You could be."

"Let's hope not."

"Why do you have to be so angry at me?"

"You're really asking me that?" Olivia raises an eyebrow.

"I know that the situation is less than ideal but..."

"But what? You are in no position to do anything. You've got five kids, a wife, and a mortgage. You work all the time, when would you have time or money to contribute anything?"

"I..." he begins.

"You what? It's not like you're going to leave her."

"You don't understand," he argues.

"I get it. You don't want to leave your wife, who you don't particularly care for, because you have principles. Where were your damn principles when the night this happened?" she rages, pointing to her stomach.

"I'm sorry. We..."

"Don't blame it on Captain Morgan, you knew what you were doing."

"So did you."

"And it happened anyway. What does that tell you?"

"Olivia what do you want me to say?"

"The right thing. Just once I want you to say the right thing, without having to ask what it is."

"I know what you want to hear, and I can't tell you that."

"Because it isn't true?"

"No, because I just can't say it."

"Why not?"

"It changes everything."

"It changes nothing. Words change nothing."

"I wish that we lived in a perfect world where this happened under the right circumstances, and this could go the way that you wanted it to, but it isn't all about you."

"It's never about me."

"Sometimes it is."

"When?"

"I'm sick of arguing with you about this. I hate arguing with you. You're the one person who..."

"Can read you like a book. Who knows exactly what you're thinking, when you're thinking it? The one person who... is never good enough."

"Why..."

"Why what?" she growls.

"Why me? When you could have anyone you wanted, why me?"

"You're the only one who can put up with me."

"I wish that..."

"You could take this back?"

"I'm afraid that this is going to drives us apart. I'm scared that it's going to do so much damage that we can never fix it."

"So what? Do you want me to make it all go away?" she questions.

He looks away, refusing to answer.

"You'd never ask me that, but you want to. You want me to make it all go away."

"I know how much you want this."

"I don't want it, not like this."

"That's not true, and you know it," he disagrees.

"El, I know that I'm never going to get the dream. I've come to terms with that. I just never thought that I was going to have to give so much up in exchange for this."

"Tell me what you want me to do, and I'll do it."

"You should know."

He doesn't answer.

"But it doesn't matter, you'll never do it anyway," she adds.

"You want me to leave her?"

"I'm not going to answer that."

"I can't just leave her. She'll take it all away from me."

"Can I ask you something?"

"What?"

"Please don't get mad."

"Since when do you worry about that?"

"I'm not trying to be harsh, but I..."

"What?"

"Are you sure that Eli is yours?"

"Why would you ask me something like that?"


	5. The King Of Broken Hearts

"I don't know. I just always thought it was strange when everything was falling apart between the two of you that she got pregnant out of the blue. Can you honestly tell me that if it weren't for Eli, you'd still be with her?"

"I don't know," he shrugs.

"I do. You wouldn't have stayed with her. You had no reason to."

"You think that Kathy cheated on me?"

"She's married to a cop who works all the time. Her kids were growing up, faster than she wanted. She spent most of the time alone, and all she wanted was a way back in. She wanted to get you back, somehow, so that she didn't have to be alone."

"If she cheated on me why would she need me back?"

"I don't know."

"Olivia I know that you're hurt, but you don't have to throw daggers at me to make yourself feel better."

"This doesn't make me feel better."

"So why are you bringing it up?"

"I don't know? I've always just wondered."

"I didn't question you when you told me that..." he pauses.

"How could you question me?"

"I don't know," he shrugs.

"I understand that you don't want this. That's fine."

"No it's not. I can tell that it's not ok. I know you, and I know that it's not ok with you."

"What choice do I have? You're not going to leave your wife. You're not going to be there for this child. What other choice do I have?"

"You know that this is going to change everything, right? Are you really ready for that?"

"El, just say it."

"Fine," he throws up his hands as they stop at a stop light, "I don't think it's a good idea for you to have this baby."

"You don't think that I know that?"

"We're never going to be able to fix this, are we?"

"Fix what?"

"This is tearing us apart."

"I already put in my request for a new partner."

"When?"

"Two days ago," she answers.

When they arrive at the precinct Cragen is waiting on them.

"Benson, my office, now!" He barks.

She makes her way into his office, and closes the door behind her.

"Sit!" he demands.

She takes a seat at his desk.

"Why did you request a new partner?"

"Personal reasons," she answers.

"Something you want to tell me?"

"No sir," she answers.

"What's going on between the two of you?"

"We've just had a difference of opinion, and we've been arguing a lot."

"Sounds like it could be solved with a few counseling sessions."

"I don't think so. Some things you can't recover from, and this is one of them."

"Detective I'd like to know what's going on?"

"I feel like this rift compromises our partnership. I've had the same partner for... too long..."

"It's getting stale? You're too comfortable with each other? I can understand that."

"I hoped you would."

"I'll tell you what, I will temporarily partner you with Fin. I'll give you three months, but I want you and Elliot to go see Dr. Huang, and try to work things out. You two are the best team I've got."

"Thank you," she sighs in relief.

"I also see that you put in for some time?"

"I just have a doctor's appointment," she admits, "It's just an hour."

"Everything ok?"

"Yes. It's just a routine check up."

"You're not a fan of doctors what's with the sudden interest?"

"I haven't seen my regular doctor in five years, I figured that it's probably time to pay her a visit, just to make sure that I still have a pulse."

"I see."

"Is that it?"

"Yeah, you're free to go," he nods.

He sits on the couch, staring, blankly at the TV.

"What's on your mind?" she questions.

"Nothing," he lies.

"You seem distracted lately."

"It's Liv," he admits.

She waits for an explanation.

"She's pregnant..." he reveals.

"That's great for her."

"I'm just worried about her, I guess. She's alone, and... she hasn't been herself lately."

"Pregnancy will do that to you."

"I know," he answers.

"But there's something more?"

"We've just been arguing a lot. She doesn't want to be my partner anymore."

"Why not?"

"I guess we just really disagree on how a child should be raised, and..."

"She doesn't want to listen to you?"

"She listens, but she doesn't hear me. I understand how much she wants a kid, she deserves it, but..."

"You're afraid that she can't handle it."

"She can handle a lot of things, but her job has become her life. What is she going to do when she has to choose? You can't work three straight days, and then go home to a screaming baby with no one to help you."

"You think she made the wrong decision?"

"A baby is a totally different ball game than a half grown kid. A baby is totally dependant..."

"If it's what she wants, then she'll be able to do it."

"She shouldn't have to do it on her own."

"It's her choice."

"It's a shitty one. I can't imagine how her kid is going to feel. Being the child of a cop is one thing, but a single, female, cop, that's something entirely different."

"You've told her that?"

"She knows how I feel."

"I think you've known her long enough to know that when she makes up her mind to do something, there's no changing it."

"I know."

"So just be her friend. Support her, stop telling her what she's doing wrong."

"How do I help her?"

"You need to learn how to listen. For once in your life just listen, don't say anything," she advises.


	6. Last Call

When she gets home she finds a card underneath her door. She tosses her keys on the counter, and rips open the envelope. She leans against the counter. It's a card. She flips it open, and begins to read.

_Liv,_

_I'm sorry. I wish that I could be who you need me to be, but we both know that it can never work. I'm sorry for the things I said earlier. I never meant to hurt you. I never should have let this happen. I understand if you don't want to be my partner anymore, but it would kill me if we couldn't be friends. I know that it is a lot to ask, but you're my best friend. I can't lose you, you're irreplaceable._

_El_

She tosses the card in the trash can. She lays her gun and badge on the counter. She moves over to her refrigerator. She pulls open the refrigerator door. It's nearly empty. She finds a couple of beers in front. She pushes them aside. Behind them is a bottle of tequila. She squats, and looks on the bottom shelf. She finds a couple of containers of yogurt. She checks the date on one, and sighs in relief when she finds that it isn't out of date. She closes the door, and grabs a spoon out of the drawer.

She finishes the yogurt, and tosses the container in the trash. She throws the spoon in the sink. She leaves the kitchen. She wonders into the living room. She sinks onto the couch. She stares at the wall. She tries to fight it, but the tears fall. She wipes them away, with the back of her hand.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that this is the way things are going to have to be. I'm sorry that you're stuck with me. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to take care of you. I'm scared and... I know that I am going to screw up. Please, just have some patience."

On her elevator ride at work the next day Fin slips through the door, just before it closes.

"Liv?"

"Huh?"

"What is going on with you lately?"

"Nothing, why?"

"Nothing? You asked to be assigned a new partner. Something is going on."

"I just... I am tired."

"No, it's something more than that."

"Yeah, but I don't want to talk about it."

"Did something happen, between you and Elliot? Did the two of you have a blowout or something?"

"He thinks that I am making a mistake."

"A mistake? What mistake?"

"Going it alone."

"Going what alone?"

She swallows hard, and then answers, "Having a baby," she avoids eye contact.

"Having a baby? You're having a baby?"

"Yeah."

"Does Cragen know?"

"No, and I would appreciate him, if you didn't tell him."

"Liv..."

"Yeah?"

"Elliot is an idiot. You are going to make a great parent. I don't know anyone who is more deserving. Besides why would you have to go it alone? I mean all of us might be dysfunctional, but we're like a dysfunctional family. If you need anything, just let me know."

"Fin?"

"Yeah?"

"To be honest; I don't know how I am going to pull this off."

"You're thinking about leaving, aren't you?"

"These hours, they aren't compatible with a baby."

"I have a buddy in the police academy, I could give him a call, if you want."

"Thanks."

"No problem."

"For everything."

"You seem relieved to be partnered with me right now."

"Elliot is... he's been on my last nerve. I think that the hormones just set me over the edge."

"I have to say, I'm surprised that he reacted badly."

"Elliot just doesn't seem to understand."

"He has to understand that you want a kid."

"That part he understands. He just doesn't understand why I would choose to do it alone."

"You have the time to do it some other way?"

"My thoughts, exactly."

The elevator doors open, and Elliot is waiting on the elevator. Fin, and Olivia get off the elevator. Olivia pushes past Elliot, not saying a word to him. She takes a seat at her desk. John motions for Fin.

"What is going on?"

"It's complicated," Fin answers.

"Is that your way of telling me that you can't tell me?"

"Pretty much."

"Do you think that they..." John trails off.

"That they what?"

"That something happened between them?"

"I don't know, they argue all the time. It's hard to say what set her over the edge."

"Not what I meant."

"What did you mean?"

"You don't see it?"

"See what Munch?"

"The way that she looks at him. Something happened. Something happened, and it ended badly."

"Elliot is married."

"Yeah, and he and Liv have been dancing around this for years. Everyone makes mistakes."

"You really think that they did it?"

"Why else would she suddenly request a new partner?"

"Maybe you should ask her," Fin suggests.

"Maybe you should just tell me," John counters.

"Not gonna happen," Fin walks away.

He pours himself a cup of coffee. He watches Olivia as she fills out paperwork. He walks past her, and takes a seat at his desk.


	7. Back To Reality

Present Time:

He sits there, looking at her, from across the room. He wonders what would have happened, if Elliot had left his wife for her. He asks himself what might have happened between Elliot, and Olivia, if he hadn't chosen to walk away. He questions how things would have been different, if she hadn't lost the baby.

She's been seeing someone, lately. She doesn't say much about him. All he knows, is that she seems happy. For the first time, in a long time she seems happy. She sits at her desk, working on paper work. It has been a slow day. She looks up at him, briefly. Even though she's been happy, lately, the look in her eyes tells him, that not all is well. He can see that there is something that isn't right.

Olivia looks up at her desk, and finds Fin staring at her. He doesn't try to hide the fact that he's looking at her. She wonders what he's thinking. Finally, after a few moments, he reverts his eyes to his paper work. She exhales, in relief. She signs off the paper she's working on. She puts it in the pile. She looks at her watch, and grabs her purse, and phone.

"You going home?" Nick questions.

"It's five o'clock. There is nothing going on here. I am going to head home," she reveals.

"What else do you have to do? Do you have a hot date?" Fin chimes in.

"Not tonight, I just want to be at home," she reveals.

"See you in the morning," Amanda waves, as Olivia leaves the squad room.

* * *

8:30 P.M.- She's sitting on the couch, flipping through the channels, when someone starts knocking on the door. She rises from her seat, and heads to the door. She looks out the peephole, and pulls the door open. He steps in, handing her a bag of take out.

"I hope you haven't eaten."

"I haven't," she admits.

"I hope I'm not intruding."

"What are you doing here?" she furrows her brow, as he close the door.

"I just thought I would stop by."

"Fin, why are you really here?"

"I thought I would stop in, and check on you."

"Check on me? What are you talking about? I don't need to be checked in on."

"Really?"

"Why would you feel the need to check in on me?" she inquires.

"Because today, I noticed something."

"What's that?"

"This look in your eyes.""You should have been keeping your eyes on your paperwork."

He smirks, "You know that I am easily distracted."

"What look?" she queries.

"Like something is bothering you."

"Nothing is bothering me," she lies.

"Let me clarify. You looked guilty."

"Guilty, of what?"

"Like guilt was eating away at you."

"You are reading way too much into this."

"I am concerned about you," he admits.

"Don't be."

"You haven't been yourself, since cranky balls left."

"Fin, I don't want to talk about that."

"You never want to talk about anything."

"I definitely don't want to talk about that. I made a mistake. I would prefer not to open old wounds."

"Do you talk to him?"

"The phone works both ways," she answers.

"I'll take that as a no."

"You didn't have to come over here, I am fine."

"I don't buy it."

"Fin, I am a grown woman, you don't have to check in on me."

"Tell me what's going on."

"Nothing is going on," she insists.

"It's something," he argues.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because you look awfully guilty."

"Guilty, of what?"

"You act like you're hiding something."

"Who isn't?" she responds.

"It would be a lot easier, if you just told me, instead of making me pry it out of you."

"For who?"

"Olivia, come on," he implores her.

"I am never going to forgive myself, for having such poor judgment."

"What are you talking about?"

"With Elliot. I crossed a line. I let myself get caught up, and in the end..."

"You're the one that got hurt?"

"Sometimes I wish that I could take it all back."

"You can't."

"I'm glad Kathy never found out. I couldn't face her, if she did."

"What bothers you, the most?"

"The way he acted. I got to see his true colors. I lost all respect for him, after that. I had a hard time being his partner."

"And, then he left, without saying anything, to anyone."

"I was his partner, for twelve years, and he said nothing. He just walked out."

"He is a jerk."

"There are days that I wake up, and for a while, I can convince myself that it never happened. It doesn't take long, for me to drift back to reality."

"He was your best friend, that has to be tough," he sympathizes.

"I lost him, before he walked away. I always thought he was the one person that I could trust. It turns out, I couldn't trust him, either."

"It always seems like the ones we love, hurt us the most," he agrees.

"Yeah."

"You should let it go. You don't want to be bitter."

"I want to, but I can't."

"What's holding you back? He walked out of your life, and you never have to see him, again."

"I know."

"Aren't you happy, with this guy that you've been seeing?"

"I am trying to be. I just, have a hard time trusting anyone."

"He's not Elliot."

"I just don't want to keep repeating the same mistakes. I always choose guys who are completely wrong for me."

"You have to trust yourself," he reminds her.


End file.
